Quotes

A handfull of our favourite funny qoutes of all time.
Do you find yourself in lack of word sometimes? Somebody has a witty comment, and you don't know what to answer back? That is untill it's been a couple of hours, and THEN you know what you should have said.

Some people has a that gift though, they always know what to say. Winston Churchill is a man that had that gift.


woman on street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk!
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly! And I shall be sober in the morning.


George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: Bring a friend, if you have one.

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one.


Lady Nancy Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She replied; Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?


Lady Nancy Astor: If I were your wife I’d put poison in your coffee.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband I’d drink it.



Some people just always seem to have a smart comment. Everytime they open their mouth something clever comes out.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
- Dave Letterman -

My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
- Harry S. Truman -

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
- Albert Einstein -

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein -

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
- Woody Allen -

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde -

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
- Steve Martin -

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.
- Elton John -

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal -

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
- Steve Jobs -

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- Andy Rooney -

Football is not a matter of life and death ... it's more important than that.
- Unknown -

Of all unimportant things in the world - football is the most important!
- T2BF -

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
- Groucho Marx -

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
- Groucho Marx -

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx -

(Groucho Marx)

[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.
- Robin Williams -

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby -

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
- George Best -

He can't kick with his left foot, he can't tackle, he can't head the ball and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right.
- George Best -

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
- George Best -

I was in for 10 hours and had 40 pints - beating my previous record by 20 minutes.
- George Best -

If you'd given me the choice of going out and beating four men and smashing a goal in from thirty yards against Liverpool or going to bed with Miss World, it would have been a difficult choice. Luckily, I had both.
- George Best -

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
- Bill Cosby -

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers -

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn -

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
- Marlene Dietrich -

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres -

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan -

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein -

I am a private person and that has always been my personality.
- Grete Waitz -

No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't.
- Marilyn Monroe -

Sex is emotion in motion.
- Mae West -

Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.
- Friedrich Nietzsche -

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
- Samuel Goldwyn -

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river.
- Nikita Khrushchev -

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- Ernest Hemingway -

To alcohol... The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
- Homer Simpson -

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra -

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin -


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