A few short funny hilarious storiesUnlucky young man
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
How she knows you love her
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!"
A marriage license should be like a fishing license - it expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3 day license. If you think about it girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right most are good to eat. Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty! If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad + fresh ones are always better.
Practice catch and release.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
True story - Doing it in the hotel window…
My boyfriend and I had been dating about 6 months or so at the time and one night after some wine we started talking about fantasies and dares and wildest things we had done, etc. Anyway, we both figured the sex in public thing would be pretty cool however I was not to into his ideas of park benches and he was not to into mine of being in the car so we settled for sex in a hotel with the window opened. I actually was against it at first but he got a room at the Fairfield Inn and we went out to the parking lot and tried to see and couldn't. They have that tinted or mirrored thing going on. That made me think it was ok.
I figured someone maybe could see in but it would be rare…
So, we went out that night dancing and carrying on with friends and went back to the hotel. When we got to the room I attacked him pretty much the second we walked in and never really stopped. We had sex for probably an hour in every position I could think of. When we were done and went to clean up I turned off the lamp and saw like 10 heads outside the window in the dark. I guess they could see with the light on, Oh I wanted to die! I wanted the thrill of possibly getting caught, not getting caught. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
A mother was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
Radar control trouble
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don’t be silly dear, –you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir, that’s an automatic $75 fine.." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?" - "Only when he’s been drinking!"
True porn radar story
I was on my way home from a concert with my girlfriend and I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. He asked me if I knew I was speeding to which I replied that I had no idea, but my jammer wasn’t enough nor my apologies as he became suspicious for some reason and asked me to exit the vehicle so he could conduct a search. So this is when he turned up my porn stash which I hide in my car (from my girlfriend) while she was standing right there. Needless to say she is now my ex-girlfriend and I owe that plus the ticket price to a bike cop with special laser skillz.
I guess the moral of this story is that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t keep some things a secret…
Story from Radardetector.net's forum pages
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